And I’ll admit it, I’m a little afraid. I’m scared of what she might make me face about myself even though that’s exactly what I need. It’s been (oh lordy) maybe almost 20 years since I’ve asked for help from a professional? And I find myself going back and forth between being excited to work on myself and being scared to admit that I need help. I’m the one that helps people – I’m the one on the other end of the line helping someone else get through some serious shit, and here I am reaching out to someone else in my field.
But – that’s not fair, is it?
It isn’t fair for me to feel ashamed or scared of what’s going to possibly come up – because that would make me a liar to every one of my callers that I urge to seek treatment. How can I tell them that it’s okay to open up and trust a professional if I won’t do the same thing for myself?
Okay – mental, Cher-inspired “SNAP OUT OF IT!” slap-moment is over – LET’S DO THIS, let’s go get some help…
The other day Mike asked me, “Who do you think you are?” And thankfully, he didn’t expect an answer, he only had a point: does the person we think we are sync up to the person we really are?
And I thought for a while and decided that I think I am brave, I think I’m funny, and I think I’m honest. But is any of that actually true?
I went sky-diving to celebrate my birthday last year. I thought the moment I let my instructor drop us out of that plane and plummet to earth was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. It made me feel invincible and it made me have more faith in myself.
I’m able to jump out of a plane, but I’m unable to have a raw, difficult conversation with someone I love. The moment an argument starts, I’m out – I’m a coward and I walk away from the conversation, I walk away from someone that cares about me because I can’t stand under the weight of their emotions.
And I see how selfish of a reaction that is – because I can’t handle confrontation I take away the other person’s right to have one – that isn’t brave, that isn’t honorable at all.
So I’m going to change – I want to really be the person I think I am, the person I wish I am.
I want to live a life that’s more than myself, more than any selfish desires, more than what I’ve come to prioritize as an adult. I’m ready to shed the parts of myself I don’t like and focus on my strengths, then I’m going to use my strengths to help others.
That’s not who I think I am right now, but it’s who I want to become and I have to believe that I can make this happen.
So maybe I’m brave enough to admit I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become, but I also know the person I’ve become is strong enough to do something about it.