Random Thoughts

Keep Fighting – Together…

I’m sitting here in one of the greatest eras of my life. I can say that in all honesty. No job has been more rewarding, new friendships have never been so promising. I love someone more fiercely, more open and honestly than I ever have before.

So… Why am I still angry? Why am I still feeling inadequate? Why do the demons I’ve tried so hard to run from continue to nip at my heels?

And there’s no answer to that. Because mental illness doesn’t really have an answer. There’s no real explanation or rhyme or reason to it, there’s just the desire to overcome it. And that’s what I have to keep fighting for – I just have to keep fighting for the ability to fight this at all.

That’s the real point, right? In the words of the incredible actor Jared Padalecki, who has been so kind in being open with his fans about his own struggles: ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING — ALWAYS!

We can have everything we’ve ever wanted: success, love, even happiness – and for people who struggle with depression it’s still a battle to keep your head up. Because the struggle wasn’t there at your job, the struggle wasn’t with your friends, your family, or any of your lovers. The struggle is there inside you – and it’s not going away.

So we keep fighting together, moving forward together. Because all I can do is keep striving to be that Better Me. The Me that feels the weight of my own thoughts but keeps going anyway, keeps pushing my whole self towards a Better Self.

No matter how long that struggle takes, if I devote my life to striving to be that Better Me, it’s never going to be a wasted life. And the alternative? The alternative is untimely death – and I’m Better Than That. We Are Better Than That. Together.

So please – please keep fighting. We’re together in this, no matter how far away you are, I’m with you, a lot of people are with you.

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My Personal Reboot

Paradise Found?

After weeks of searching for the right fit I saw an ad looking for crisis hotline specialists and decided it was a long-shot, given that I have zero experience working in non-profits or as a counselor, but that it was something I should try.

Just in those first emails with my now-supervisor, it really clicked that I might have found MY PLACE.

Going through the training to become a crisis counselor only solidified my resolve that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. As a survivor of sexual assault and a suicide attempt, I can’t think of anything more important for me to do than to try and help others going through the same thing.

I want to tell men and women whose wounds are still fresh that with time and an unwillingness to give up on themselves, they can make it to the other side of recovery. They can have a life again, they can have strength again. It really does get better, cliches be damned.

 

Belief in yourself is one of the most powerful things you can have in your corner. Let’s all work together to make each other collectively stronger.

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My Personal Reboot

Progress? Progress!

It was a total whim, after weeks and weeks of searching for something in social media. Busting my ass one night, freaking out about the lack of call backs – Mike looked at me and asked, “Why are you working this hard to stay in an industry that you really aren’t happy with?”

And my initial reaction was something along the lines of saying shut the hell up I am damn well happy thank-you-very-much – but I stopped short and actually THOUGHT about what he was saying for once.

I wasn’t happy in this industry anymore. It started out as something fun and turned into a chore. Totally didn’t mean for that to rhyme but there it is so I’ll stand by it.

So my ridiculously patient but probably insane boyfriend ended up throwing me the lifeline I needed: with his work picking up he’d be able to make ends meet if I wanted to try something totally different. TOTALLY DIFFERENT! Almost 10 years in this industry and *poof!* CAREER CHANGE!

What to do… what to do… so I thought about my life these past ten years or so… and as I’ve said before, it just felt like a big pile of selfish decisions. And I realized that wasn’t the person I wanted to be anymore, and that if I was going to make a huge change like this, now is the time to seize that opportunity.

Now I’ve got it in my head that I need to return to my roots – I need to get back in touch with the child my parents raised, the one that believed helping others was the most important thing a person could do with their lives.

So I’m still very much a work in progress, but progress is the key word here – I’m committing to becoming a more mindful, helpful human being, and I’m really excited to see where this new path takes me.

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My Personal Reboot

Girl, Inspired

 

So after my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thought – who am I? Really?

I don’t believe that I’m a *bad* person (just trust me on that point) but I have to admit to myself…

I’m a selfish person.

And realizing that made me feel ashamed.

Which made me think of the less selfish, childhood version of myself, and specifically the volunteer work my parents did before they split up, because I grew up thinking every family went to Tijuana every few months to pass out supplies to the needy.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much my parents went out of their way to help others while we were kids, and that somehow those lessons had faded away from the “adult” version of myself.

These were some of the core values my parents instilled in me:

  • Do the right thing even if it gets you in trouble.
  • Always take up for the underdog, even if that position makes you an underdog too.
  • Respect is something that’s earned, it isn’t a right.
  • You’re very, very lucky — so try to do everything within your power to help those less fortunate.

But somewhere I lost that last point, and really, it should be the most important one. That’s not the person my parents hoped I would become and it’s the not the person I want to be (anymore).

I was brought up by four amazing, incredibly giving people who expect better of me, even if they love me too much to say so.

That was a hard pill to swallow, but I’m grateful I’ve realized this while there’s still time to do something about it.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do: start looking for an opportunity to really give back and help people again, the way that I was raised.

Wish me luck, kiddos!

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My Personal Reboot

So, Who do You Think You Are?

 

The other day Mike asked me, “Who do you think you are?” And thankfully, he didn’t expect an answer, he only had a point: does the person we think we are sync up to the person we really are?

And I thought for a while and decided that I think I am brave, I think I’m funny, and I think I’m honest. But is any of that actually true?

I went sky-diving to celebrate my birthday last year. I thought the moment I let my instructor drop us out of that plane and plummet to earth was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. It made me feel invincible and it made me have more faith in myself.

skydive

I’m able to jump out of a plane, but I’m unable to have a raw, difficult conversation with someone I love. The moment an argument starts, I’m out – I’m a coward and I walk away from the conversation, I walk away from someone that cares about me because I can’t stand under the weight of their emotions.

And I see how selfish of a reaction that is – because I can’t handle confrontation I take away the other person’s right to have one – that isn’t brave, that isn’t honorable at all.

So I’m going to change – I want to really be the person I think I am, the person I wish I am.

I want to live a life that’s more than myself, more than any selfish desires, more than what I’ve come to prioritize as an adult. I’m ready to shed the parts of myself I don’t like and focus on my strengths, then I’m going to use my strengths to help others.

That’s not who I think I am right now, but it’s who I want to become and I have to believe that I can make this happen.

So maybe I’m brave enough to admit I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become, but I also know the person I’ve become is strong enough to do something about it.

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My Personal Reboot, Random Thoughts

I Think I Need a Personal Reboot

I wish I had a different story to tell. I feel like mine is one of wasted opportunities. Or maybe that’s not it – maybe it’s one of opportunities taken but under the motivation of self-absorption, and now in my thirties I look back and wonder if that makes them misspent.

I can really be a selfish piece of shit sometimes. And I’ve been so fucking lucky.

Whatever darkness I’ve seen in my life I’m here and I’ve lived through everything up until this point and other than the career-bomb dropped on me two months ago, this point is good. I’m still young(ish), I’m in love in a way I’ve never been with anyone else up to this point in my life and I’m old enough to actually be able to say that with some authority, my parents and stepparents are both alive as are all of my siblings. I’ve got all my limbs, fingers and toes –

I know I’ve had it better than others, and I was raised to understand that and work to help those in need. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending my 20’s and early 30’s blowing this good fortune and doing nothing more than pursuing my own desires.

For the last five years that’s been writing professionally about one of my loves, television. And after feeling like I’d won the career lottery for two years I was unceremoniously let go right before the holidays.

So I’ve spent six weeks being sad about it, like – really, really sad about it. How many times in someone’s life will they get the opportunity to get paid to watch TV? I mean, really? There was wallowing. There was a lot of wallowing. And then there was the realization that even if it was just for a couple years, it was still really amazing and fun and something that very few people get the chance to do.

Who am I to question how long I got to do it? Who am I to think I’d get to do that forever? Maybe losing this job that I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me is now the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is my chance to get over myself and do something more. I think this is going to be the time in my life where I more of an effort that I ever have before to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. Stay tuned, I’m a work very much in progress…

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