My Personal Reboot

Girl, Inspired

 

So after my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thought – who am I? Really?

I don’t believe that I’m a *bad* person (just trust me on that point) but I have to admit to myself…

I’m a selfish person.

And realizing that made me feel ashamed.

Which made me think of the less selfish, childhood version of myself, and specifically the volunteer work my parents did before they split up, because I grew up thinking every family went to Tijuana every few months to pass out supplies to the needy.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much my parents went out of their way to help others while we were kids, and that somehow those lessons had faded away from the “adult” version of myself.

These were some of the core values my parents instilled in me:

  • Do the right thing even if it gets you in trouble.
  • Always take up for the underdog, even if that position makes you an underdog too.
  • Respect is something that’s earned, it isn’t a right.
  • You’re very, very lucky — so try to do everything within your power to help those less fortunate.

But somewhere I lost that last point, and really, it should be the most important one. That’s not the person my parents hoped I would become and it’s the not the person I want to be (anymore).

I was brought up by four amazing, incredibly giving people who expect better of me, even if they love me too much to say so.

That was a hard pill to swallow, but I’m grateful I’ve realized this while there’s still time to do something about it.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do: start looking for an opportunity to really give back and help people again, the way that I was raised.

Wish me luck, kiddos!

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My Personal Reboot

So, Who do You Think You Are?

 

The other day Mike asked me, “Who do you think you are?” And thankfully, he didn’t expect an answer, he only had a point: does the person we think we are sync up to the person we really are?

And I thought for a while and decided that I think I am brave, I think I’m funny, and I think I’m honest. But is any of that actually true?

I went sky-diving to celebrate my birthday last year. I thought the moment I let my instructor drop us out of that plane and plummet to earth was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. It made me feel invincible and it made me have more faith in myself.

skydive

I’m able to jump out of a plane, but I’m unable to have a raw, difficult conversation with someone I love. The moment an argument starts, I’m out – I’m a coward and I walk away from the conversation, I walk away from someone that cares about me because I can’t stand under the weight of their emotions.

And I see how selfish of a reaction that is – because I can’t handle confrontation I take away the other person’s right to have one – that isn’t brave, that isn’t honorable at all.

So I’m going to change – I want to really be the person I think I am, the person I wish I am.

I want to live a life that’s more than myself, more than any selfish desires, more than what I’ve come to prioritize as an adult. I’m ready to shed the parts of myself I don’t like and focus on my strengths, then I’m going to use my strengths to help others.

That’s not who I think I am right now, but it’s who I want to become and I have to believe that I can make this happen.

So maybe I’m brave enough to admit I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become, but I also know the person I’ve become is strong enough to do something about it.

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My Personal Reboot, Random Thoughts

I Think I Need a Personal Reboot

I wish I had a different story to tell. I feel like mine is one of wasted opportunities. Or maybe that’s not it – maybe it’s one of opportunities taken but under the motivation of self-absorption, and now in my thirties I look back and wonder if that makes them misspent.

I can really be a selfish piece of shit sometimes. And I’ve been so fucking lucky.

Whatever darkness I’ve seen in my life I’m here and I’ve lived through everything up until this point and other than the career-bomb dropped on me two months ago, this point is good. I’m still young(ish), I’m in love in a way I’ve never been with anyone else up to this point in my life and I’m old enough to actually be able to say that with some authority, my parents and stepparents are both alive as are all of my siblings. I’ve got all my limbs, fingers and toes –

I know I’ve had it better than others, and I was raised to understand that and work to help those in need. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending my 20’s and early 30’s blowing this good fortune and doing nothing more than pursuing my own desires.

For the last five years that’s been writing professionally about one of my loves, television. And after feeling like I’d won the career lottery for two years I was unceremoniously let go right before the holidays.

So I’ve spent six weeks being sad about it, like – really, really sad about it. How many times in someone’s life will they get the opportunity to get paid to watch TV? I mean, really? There was wallowing. There was a lot of wallowing. And then there was the realization that even if it was just for a couple years, it was still really amazing and fun and something that very few people get the chance to do.

Who am I to question how long I got to do it? Who am I to think I’d get to do that forever? Maybe losing this job that I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me is now the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is my chance to get over myself and do something more. I think this is going to be the time in my life where I more of an effort that I ever have before to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. Stay tuned, I’m a work very much in progress…

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