Random Thoughts

Thank You Universe, for Reminding Me…

Sometimes it’s good to take lessons where we can get them. Today I was reminded that perspective is incredibly important when it comes to my mental health.

Cleaning up after breakfast this morning I was all ready to have the Worst Day Ever after spilling (room temperature) grease all over the counter, which made some of it spill onto the floor.

My immediate reaction was to curse at myself, tell myself horrible things, and generally try to make myself feel even worse after making a mess, par for the course for Vee.

Until my (ridiculously big but still a) puppy ran up – more excited than I’ve seen him in… well maybe five minutes because PUPPY. And he immediately leaped into fix-it mode, providing me with all the assistance I needed (and more) with cleaning up this “mess.”

I put that word in quotes the second time for a reason, because it struck me that my mistake was his gain. What I might have considered a horrible way to start the morning turned into the BEST MORNING EVER (this week) for my seven-month-old Rottweiler.

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Seeing him so happy made me laugh and made me instantly let go of my anger. This is one of the biggest reasons why I love dogs, why I’ll always have a dog, and why they’re so integral to my mental health.

So THANK YOU UNIVERSE, for reminding me that problems need to be put into context, for reminding me not to be so hard on myself, and for letting me be a part of my puppy’s BEST MORNING EVER (until mom spills something awesome again).

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My Personal Reboot, Random Thoughts

A Year Ago Today(ish)

I was going to write this two months ago to mark a different anniversary, when I was laid off from a job that was the culmination of my career in entertainment and social media. The weeks and months ahead left me struggling with my self-esteem in a way that completely surprised me. I was going to take my time remembering the fear and anger, the sense of betrayal, and a resurgence of the depression I’ve struggled with my entire life.

But I changed my mind and decided to write this for a different milestone, celebrating when my life changed for the better in a way I hadn’t thought possible.

Crisis counseling was stumbled into on a total whim, after reading the job posting and thinking, ‘What the hell?’ Because hey, I’ve been through some SHIT. Good writing gigs are always hard to come by– at least, the kind that don’t make you question whether or not you’re a compassionate or productive member of society. So in the meantime, why not try <gasp> GIVING. BACK?!?

And you know what? This year of trying something totally new has become one of the most rewarding of my life. This job, while hard and emotionally draining at times, is also the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done professionally.

Yes, there are challenging calls and frustrating callers. There are also moments that are beautiful and profound that leave me walking away from my shift feeling like I’ve actually made a difference in the universe today, even if it’s just because of one conversation. It’s the most tangible proof I’ve ever had that I’m not alone, and we can still connect with total strangers in a way that can be life-changing.

So far I’ve figured this out: the Me from a year ago that thought my professional life was over was right in a way. That part of my life – the hustle for leads and scramble for pitches, the constant checking of feeds and measuring of trends – that part is over, for now. Just… for now. And maybe… it’s over forever… I’m at peace with that too if that’s how the cards lay out.

It’s been a year of a different life, a different career, a different purpose, and it’s been one of the best. I thought my life was imploding, now I know that wasn’t the end. But at the time I was so immersed in the pain that I just couldn’t see that, and maybe it’s like that for others, and if I can help in any way it’s to say this:

Please don’t give up – there’s always a chance that it can get better. Sometimes it’s working hard and keeping that chin up, sometimes it’s just getting to the next day and trying again, but never doubt that great things can be ahead if you keep fighting for them.

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Random Thoughts

Keep Fighting – Together…

I’m sitting here in one of the greatest eras of my life. I can say that in all honesty. No job has been more rewarding, new friendships have never been so promising. I love someone more fiercely, more open and honestly than I ever have before.

So… Why am I still angry? Why am I still feeling inadequate? Why do the demons I’ve tried so hard to run from continue to nip at my heels?

And there’s no answer to that. Because mental illness doesn’t really have an answer. There’s no real explanation or rhyme or reason to it, there’s just the desire to overcome it. And that’s what I have to keep fighting for – I just have to keep fighting for the ability to fight this at all.

That’s the real point, right? In the words of the incredible actor Jared Padalecki, who has been so kind in being open with his fans about his own struggles: ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING — ALWAYS!

We can have everything we’ve ever wanted: success, love, even happiness – and for people who struggle with depression it’s still a battle to keep your head up. Because the struggle wasn’t there at your job, the struggle wasn’t with your friends, your family, or any of your lovers. The struggle is there inside you – and it’s not going away.

So we keep fighting together, moving forward together. Because all I can do is keep striving to be that Better Me. The Me that feels the weight of my own thoughts but keeps going anyway, keeps pushing my whole self towards a Better Self.

No matter how long that struggle takes, if I devote my life to striving to be that Better Me, it’s never going to be a wasted life. And the alternative? The alternative is untimely death – and I’m Better Than That. We Are Better Than That. Together.

So please – please keep fighting. We’re together in this, no matter how far away you are, I’m with you, a lot of people are with you.

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My Personal Reboot, Random Thoughts

I Think I Need a Personal Reboot

I wish I had a different story to tell. I feel like mine is one of wasted opportunities. Or maybe that’s not it – maybe it’s one of opportunities taken but under the motivation of self-absorption, and now in my thirties I look back and wonder if that makes them misspent.

I can really be a selfish piece of shit sometimes. And I’ve been so fucking lucky.

Whatever darkness I’ve seen in my life I’m here and I’ve lived through everything up until this point and other than the career-bomb dropped on me two months ago, this point is good. I’m still young(ish), I’m in love in a way I’ve never been with anyone else up to this point in my life and I’m old enough to actually be able to say that with some authority, my parents and stepparents are both alive as are all of my siblings. I’ve got all my limbs, fingers and toes –

I know I’ve had it better than others, and I was raised to understand that and work to help those in need. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending my 20’s and early 30’s blowing this good fortune and doing nothing more than pursuing my own desires.

For the last five years that’s been writing professionally about one of my loves, television. And after feeling like I’d won the career lottery for two years I was unceremoniously let go right before the holidays.

So I’ve spent six weeks being sad about it, like – really, really sad about it. How many times in someone’s life will they get the opportunity to get paid to watch TV? I mean, really? There was wallowing. There was a lot of wallowing. And then there was the realization that even if it was just for a couple years, it was still really amazing and fun and something that very few people get the chance to do.

Who am I to question how long I got to do it? Who am I to think I’d get to do that forever? Maybe losing this job that I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me is now the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is my chance to get over myself and do something more. I think this is going to be the time in my life where I more of an effort that I ever have before to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. Stay tuned, I’m a work very much in progress…

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