I wish I had a different story to tell. I feel like mine is one of wasted opportunities. Or maybe that’s not it – maybe it’s one of opportunities taken but under the motivation of self-absorption, and now in my thirties I look back and wonder if that makes them misspent.
I can really be a selfish piece of shit sometimes. And I’ve been so fucking lucky.
Whatever darkness I’ve seen in my life I’m here and I’ve lived through everything up until this point and other than the career-bomb dropped on me two months ago, this point is good. I’m still young(ish), I’m in love in a way I’ve never been with anyone else up to this point in my life and I’m old enough to actually be able to say that with some authority, my parents and stepparents are both alive as are all of my siblings. I’ve got all my limbs, fingers and toes –
I know I’ve had it better than others, and I was raised to understand that and work to help those in need. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending my 20’s and early 30’s blowing this good fortune and doing nothing more than pursuing my own desires.
For the last five years that’s been writing professionally about one of my loves, television. And after feeling like I’d won the career lottery for two years I was unceremoniously let go right before the holidays.
So I’ve spent six weeks being sad about it, like – really, really sad about it. How many times in someone’s life will they get the opportunity to get paid to watch TV? I mean, really? There was wallowing. There was a lot of wallowing. And then there was the realization that even if it was just for a couple years, it was still really amazing and fun and something that very few people get the chance to do.
Who am I to question how long I got to do it? Who am I to think I’d get to do that forever? Maybe losing this job that I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me is now the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is my chance to get over myself and do something more. I think this is going to be the time in my life where I more of an effort that I ever have before to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. Stay tuned, I’m a work very much in progress…