I’m Going to Ask for Help Today…

And I’ll admit it, I’m a little afraid. I’m scared of what she might make me face about myself even though that’s exactly what I need. It’s been (oh lordy) maybe almost 20 years since I’ve asked for help from a professional? And I find myself going back and forth between being excited to work on myself and being scared to admit that I need help. I’m the one that helps people – I’m the one on the other end of the line helping someone else get through some serious shit, and here I am reaching out to someone else in my field.

But – that’s not fair, is it?

It isn’t fair for me to feel ashamed or scared of what’s going to possibly come up – because that would make me a liar to every one of my callers that I urge to seek treatment. How can I tell them that it’s okay to open up and trust a professional if I won’t do the same thing for myself?

Okay – mental, Cher-inspired “SNAP OUT OF IT!” slap-moment is over – LET’S DO THIS, let’s go get some help…

A Year Ago Today(ish)

I was going to write this two months ago to mark a different anniversary, when I was laid off from a job that was the culmination of my career in entertainment and social media. The weeks and months ahead left me struggling with my self-esteem in a way that completely surprised me. I was going to take my time remembering the fear and anger, the sense of betrayal, and a resurgence of the depression I’ve struggled with my entire life.

But I changed my mind and decided to write this for a different milestone, celebrating when my life changed for the better in a way I hadn’t thought possible.

Crisis counseling was stumbled into on a total whim, after reading the job posting and thinking, ‘What the hell?’ Because hey, I’ve been through some SHIT. Good writing gigs are always hard to come by– at least, the kind that don’t make you question whether or not you’re a compassionate or productive member of society. So in the meantime, why not try <gasp> GIVING. BACK?!?

And you know what? This year of trying something totally new has become one of the most rewarding of my life. This job, while hard and emotionally draining at times, is also the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done professionally.

Yes, there are challenging calls and frustrating callers. There are also moments that are beautiful and profound that leave me walking away from my shift feeling like I’ve actually made a difference in the universe today, even if it’s just because of one conversation. It’s the most tangible proof I’ve ever had that I’m not alone, and we can still connect with total strangers in a way that can be life-changing.

So far I’ve figured this out: the Me from a year ago that thought my professional life was over was right in a way. That part of my life – the hustle for leads and scramble for pitches, the constant checking of feeds and measuring of trends – that part is over, for now. Just… for now. And maybe… it’s over forever… I’m at peace with that too if that’s how the cards lay out.

It’s been a year of a different life, a different career, a different purpose, and it’s been one of the best. I thought my life was imploding, now I know that wasn’t the end. But at the time I was so immersed in the pain that I just couldn’t see that, and maybe it’s like that for others, and if I can help in any way it’s to say this:

Please don’t give up – there’s always a chance that it can get better. Sometimes it’s working hard and keeping that chin up, sometimes it’s just getting to the next day and trying again, but never doubt that great things can be ahead if you keep fighting for them.

Keep Fighting – Together…

I’m sitting here in one of the greatest eras of my life. I can say that in all honesty. No job has been more rewarding, new friendships have never been so promising. I love someone more fiercely, more open and honestly than I ever have before.

So… Why am I still angry? Why am I still feeling inadequate? Why do the demons I’ve tried so hard to run from continue to nip at my heels?

And there’s no answer to that. Because mental illness doesn’t really have an answer. There’s no real explanation or rhyme or reason to it, there’s just the desire to overcome it. And that’s what I have to keep fighting for – I just have to keep fighting for the ability to fight this at all.

That’s the real point, right? In the words of the incredible actor Jared Padalecki, who has been so kind in being open with his fans about his own struggles: ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING — ALWAYS!

We can have everything we’ve ever wanted: success, love, even happiness – and for people who struggle with depression it’s still a battle to keep your head up. Because the struggle wasn’t there at your job, the struggle wasn’t with your friends, your family, or any of your lovers. The struggle is there inside you – and it’s not going away.

So we keep fighting together, moving forward together. Because all I can do is keep striving to be that Better Me. The Me that feels the weight of my own thoughts but keeps going anyway, keeps pushing my whole self towards a Better Self.

No matter how long that struggle takes, if I devote my life to striving to be that Better Me, it’s never going to be a wasted life. And the alternative? The alternative is untimely death – and I’m Better Than That. We Are Better Than That. Together.

So please – please keep fighting. We’re together in this, no matter how far away you are, I’m with you, a lot of people are with you.

Paradise Found?

After weeks of searching for the right fit I saw an ad looking for crisis hotline specialists and decided it was a long-shot, given that I have zero experience working in non-profits or as a counselor, but that it was something I should try.

Just in those first emails with my now-supervisor, it really clicked that I might have found MY PLACE.

Going through the training to become a crisis counselor only solidified my resolve that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. As a survivor of sexual assault and a suicide attempt, I can’t think of anything more important for me to do than to try and help others going through the same thing.

I want to tell men and women whose wounds are still fresh that with time and an unwillingness to give up on themselves, they can make it to the other side of recovery. They can have a life again, they can have strength again. It really does get better, cliches be damned.

Belief in yourself is one of the most powerful things you can have in your corner. Let’s all work together to make each other collectively stronger.

Progress? Progress!

It was a total whim, after weeks and weeks of searching for something in social media. Busting my ass one night, freaking out about the lack of call backs – Mike looked at me and asked, “Why are you working this hard to stay in an industry that you really aren’t happy with?”

And my initial reaction was something along the lines of saying shut the hell up I am damn well happy thank-you-very-much – but I stopped short and actually THOUGHT about what he was saying for once.

I wasn’t happy in this industry anymore. It started out as something fun and turned into a chore. Totally didn’t mean for that to rhyme but there it is so I’ll stand by it.

So my ridiculously patient but probably insane boyfriend ended up throwing me the lifeline I needed: with his work picking up he’d be able to make ends meet if I wanted to try something totally different. TOTALLY DIFFERENT! Almost 10 years in this industry and *poof!* CAREER CHANGE!

What to do… what to do… so I thought about my life these past ten years or so… and as I’ve said before, it just felt like a big pile of selfish decisions. And I realized that wasn’t the person I wanted to be anymore, and that if I was going to make a huge change like this, now is the time to seize that opportunity.

Now I’ve got it in my head that I need to return to my roots – I need to get back in touch with the child my parents raised, the one that believed helping others was the most important thing a person could do with their lives.

So I’m still very much a work in progress, but progress is the key word here – I’m committing to becoming a more mindful, helpful human being, and I’m really excited to see where this new path takes me.

Girl, Inspired

So after my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thought – who am I? Really?

I don’t believe that I’m a *bad* person (just trust me on that point) but I have to admit to myself…

I’m a selfish person.

And realizing that made me feel ashamed.

Which made me think of the less selfish, childhood version of myself, and specifically the volunteer work my parents did before they split up, because I grew up thinking every family went to Tijuana every few months to pass out supplies to the needy.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much my parents went out of their way to help others while we were kids, and that somehow those lessons had faded away from the “adult” version of myself.

These were some of the core values my parents instilled in me:

Do the right thing even if it gets you in trouble.
Always take up for the underdog, even if that position makes you an underdog too.
Respect is something that’s earned, it isn’t a right.
You’re very, very lucky — so try to do everything within your power to help those less fortunate.

But somewhere I lost that last point, and really, it should be the most important one. That’s not the person my parents hoped I would become and it’s the not the person I want to be (anymore).

I was brought up by four amazing, incredibly giving people who expect better of me, even if they love me too much to say so.

That was a hard pill to swallow, but I’m grateful I’ve realized this while there’s still time to do something about it.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do: start looking for an opportunity to really give back and help people again, the way that I was raised.

Wish me luck, kiddos!

So, Who do You Think You Are?

The other day Mike asked me, “Who do you think you are?” And thankfully, he didn’t expect an answer, he only had a point: does the person we think we are sync up to the person we really are?

And I thought for a while and decided that I think I am brave, I think I’m funny, and I think I’m honest. But is any of that actually true?

I went sky-diving to celebrate my birthday last year. I thought the moment I let my instructor drop us out of that plane and plummet to earth was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. It made me feel invincible and it made me have more faith in myself.

I’m able to jump out of a plane, but I’m unable to have a raw, difficult conversation with someone I love. The moment an argument starts, I’m out – I’m a coward and I walk away from the conversation, I walk away from someone that cares about me because I can’t stand under the weight of their emotions.

And I see how selfish of a reaction that is – because I can’t handle confrontation I take away the other person’s right to have one – that isn’t brave, that isn’t honorable at all.

So I’m going to change – I want to really be the person I think I am, the person I wish I am.

I want to live a life that’s more than myself, more than any selfish desires, more than what I’ve come to prioritize as an adult. I’m ready to shed the parts of myself I don’t like and focus on my strengths, then I’m going to use my strengths to help others.

That’s not who I think I am right now, but it’s who I want to become and I have to believe that I can make this happen.

So maybe I’m brave enough to admit I’m unhappy with the person I’ve become, but I also know the person I’ve become is strong enough to do something about it.

2FingersBerben

I'm an entertainment writer turned mental health advocate — Always remember your story is important, reach out for help and keep fighting!